Self-Introductory letter (Revised)
Dear Professor Brad,
My name is Foo Nyuk Hao (Cayden) and I am currently studying
civil engineering in Singapore Institute of Technology as a year one student. I
graduated from Temasek Polytechnic in 2018 with the diploma in aerospace
engineering. My interest in civil engineering developed ever since young because
of the influence of my dad, an interior designer. The reason for me to enroll in civil
engineering is that I would like to follow in my father’s footsteps to be able to make
people’s lives better.
I have several interesting hobbies such as tea drinking,
book reading and playing games. To be able to indulge myself in such hobbies will
compliment my ability to stay calm in any given situation and resolve the
problem in an efficient manner. The reason of me enrolling in civil engineering,
is so that I can utilize my critical thinking skills under pressure to resolve
difficulties and to aid the public in the future.
As for my strength, I am adept in communicating with
different kinds of people. As a commander during my national service days, I have
learnt to communicate with different people from all walks of life. I believe
that this ability would compliment me to be clear and concise when
communicating with my audiences.
As for my weakness, I am weak in written communication, due to the inability to put my words onto paper. Hence, I would want to be proficient in my ability
to write by refining my grammar and to be able to put my words onto paper.
My goal for this module is to improve at being impactful
during speech. I want to be able to impact and garner the attention of my
audience when presenting. I always believe that to gain attention from an audience, you must be able to portray yourself in a confident manner. Thus, resulting in them trusting you.
I would like to thank you for taking time to read this email, feel free to ask me any additional question if needed.
Warmest regards,
Cayden
(Feedback given to Donald, Pin kiat and Yun Huang)
Thanks, Cayden, for posting.
ReplyDeleteYour letter is complete and clear. However, your last paragraph you should continously list down your goals in one sentance if you have goals. There are few grammer mistakes for example, the last sentance of the letter you could have avoided them. There are few repeated words such as "able to" throughout the letter, you coould choose other words.
ReplyDeleteDear Saira,
DeleteThank you for your comment and suggestion on my introduction letter. I will take note of my grammar mistakes and improve accordingly.
Cheers,
Cayden
Hi Cayden, your email was concise, concrete and courteous. Thanks to this email, I got to know you better. I spot a few mistakes. First paragraph last sentence, "I would like to follow my father’s footsteps" can be improve to "I would like to follow in my father’s footsteps". Last paragraph first sentence, "My goals for this module are to improve at being impactful during speech" can be improve to "My goals for this module are to improve at being impactful during a speech. Hope this helps!
ReplyDeleteDear Randall,
DeleteThank you for your comment on my post. I will be correcting my post soon.
Cheers,
Cayden
Dear Cayden,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this fairly detailed introductory letter. For the most part, you cover the parameters of the assignment and illustrate with an example so that it is rather informative. That breaks down, however, when you present goals for improving your writing rather than explicitly stating what the issues are.
On the other hand, you do a better job when discussing your hobbies and connecting the 'critical thinking' with your interest in problem solving. What I would like to see you explore further is the meaning behind the phrase "aid the public in the future." How might you do that in your capacity as an engineer, and how does the connect to what your father does?
In terms of language use, there are many issues to consider. Words, phrases and sentences have to be critically 'constructed,' as you know. Let's get to it here:
1. sentence structure
-- My name is Foo Nyuk Hao (Cayden), I am currently studying civil engineering in Singapore Institute of Technology as a year one student. > (comma splice) ?
-- I always believed that to gain influence on a team will make them work more efficiently and to perform at a higher level. > (lack of parallel stucture) ?
2. word use/phrasing
-- The reason of me enrolling ... > (collocation/more idiomatic) The reason for me enrolling
-- this ability would compliment me to be clear > ?
-- As for my weakness, I would want to be proficient in my ability to write. I would want to refine my grammar and able to put my words onto paper.
> (You actually state goals, not weaknesses.)
-- during speech > during a speech
-- I always believed > (verb tense)
I look forward to seeing how you can improve this letter and to reading more of your writing this term.
Cheers,
Brad
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteHi Cayden, your introduction email is courteous, complete and the structure is well organised. Upon reading you self introduction, I am surprised to know that you love to drink tea as I find that it requires lots of patience for tea drinker. In your second paragraph the last sentence, it should be "The reason for me enrolling in civil engineering," instead of The reason of me enrolling in civil engineering,".
DeleteThanks & regards,
YH Wu